I started to write about how I’ve worked on being happier over the past few years, and how it’s been a slow ride, but the things I’ve been doing have been working for me, when I realised:
Maybe I wouldn’t be happy today if I didn’t find love in 2013.
Which got me to thinking – yes, working on my happiness has probably also been significant, but – I don’t think we let each other talk enough about the astounding significance of finding, losing or lacking love.
In 2012, I went looking for love on a dating site, almost ashamed, wanting to play it down. Just looking for some dates. But I wasn’t. I was looking for long-term love. I wanted to love someone, to be loved, to really connect. I thought about it a lot. I was alone and lonely. It’s not cool to say that, but it’s true.
I wish I could have said to myself: It’s OK for this to feel very important. It is. You should work hard on finding love. Make it a project. Give it your time, creative thought and attention. Don’t feel ashamed. Look everywhere, find new ways to meet new people.
James changed my life. He made me feel secure and supported. I wouldn’t have quit my job, become a freelancer, and written a novel draft (while living off my savings) if he wasn’t in my life. I wouldn’t have gone to Burning Man, which was one of the most beautiful (and scary) experiences I’ve ever had. And I’m not sure about the maths on this, but people tell me I wouldn’t have had babies without him. Those babies have levelled-up my happiness like nothing else could.
I probably wouldn’t be working on my side-project-business-idea if he wasn’t in my life. 💌
So, I just want to say, if there’s anyone out there reading this, looking for love:
It’s OK for this to feel very important. It is.
You should work hard on finding love.
Make it a project.
Give it your time, creative thought and attention.
Don’t feel ashamed.
Look everywhere, find new ways to meet new people.
What is the word for the level of sophistication of a philosophy or idea?
Like – when you’re younger, and you wander through the city and see people begging, and you think, “I’m not going to give them any money. That will just encourage them to keep on begging, and their begging makes me feel unsafe and uncomfortable, because I’m worried they might become confrontational with me. Plus, they will probably just spend any money on booze anyway. How hard would it be for them to really just get a crappy job at McDonald’s or whatever? Are they too lazy for a crappy job?”
And then, with new experiences and information, maybe you think about the people begging, “Their lives must be shit. $10 might hardly mean anything to me and it might mean a lot to them. Who on earth am I to judge someone else – and my gosh, as if it’s enjoyable for them to sit on cold pavement and be demeaned by all the passersby. I can’t put myself in their shoes at all.”
Oh, here’s another awful belief I had when I was younger (and I’m embarrassed to admit it, but there you go) – “Isn’t it stupid how we have to do training and get a license to drive a car, but people don’t have to get a license to have a child? ” Inferred: Some people shouldn’t be allowed to have children.
And then, the evolution of that belief: “Jeepers. Through the lottery of birth and the hideously unfair distribution of wealth, some people have everything, and some people have nothing, and the people who have everything stand there and say, ‘You should need a license to have a child…’ Life is so unfair, and humans are so cruel.”
Are there standard levels of wisdom that we can evolve through, and are they documented somewhere?
With social media, I feel like sometimes there is a push for a certain philosophical levelling-up, and it spreads like wildfire – wokeness – like #everydaysexism, where people acknowledged: “Women get treated like second-class citizens all the time. Still.”
Sometimes the populist philosophical evolution concerns me, like the aggressive demand that people always believe alleged victims of abuse/assault, because alleged victims are always right. I don’t think that’s a levelling-up.
Anyway. Just thinking out loud.
Love it love it.