So, how am I going with the whole Zen Mothercuss thing?
Haha. Funny you asked.
The other evening (evenings are the worst, because everyone has decision fatigue, and we’re all out of personal resources – like creativity and patience – to deal with any problems, and after cooperating and negotiating with each other all day long, we just want to do our own damn thing), I was running the bath and heard the sound of paper rustling. I had been about to move my stash of christmas wrapping paper back into the storage cupboard, but it was still sitting in the hallway. I stepped into the hallway and saw that my two year-old had unwrapped one roll of paper and was about to destroy it.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” I said. Loudly.
Then I felt like shit. I don’t want to be a parent who says “NOOOO” loudly. I also felt bad because it was my fault – if I had returned the paper to the cupboard yesterday, it wouldn’t have happened. And who can blame a two year-old for seeing a roll of colourful paper and wanting to un-roll it?! Not me. He was bored, it was late in the day, he was frustrated! All he wanted to do was play an iPhone game or watch TV, because he was bored of everything else in the house, but we had said he couldn’t, because it was bath time.
And, worst of all, I know that anything I do, my baby will imitate and learn from me. I don’t want him to shout “NOOOO!” at other people! Argh! I did bad.
Sigh. All I can do at those times is to feel bad, but forgive myself, and try not to do it again. I really admire my gentle, incredibly patient partner when it comes to this stuff. He never raises his voice. He’s a good role model for me.
I’ll keep trying. For the most part, I’m doing okay. I’m not often stressed and I’m usually loving and calm with the kids. Usually.