Apparently I last wrote here one (1) month ago. What happened, killer cat? All your big talk, all your promises?
Well, first of all there was Fiji.
With these guys.
Then I got home and I was really freaking tired. I haven’t had any time to do daily writing (pen and paper), and so I’ve been getting stuck in my head more and more. Thinking thoughts to self, rather than getting thoughts out there and feeling like sharing. Sometimes I write entire blog posts in my head, when I’m lying in bed, about to go to sleep!
I’m hardly using my computer or my mini computer (phone), except when I just need a little wind-down time and I watch a movie or something. Today I watched “Kramer vs. Kramer”. Loved it. They don’t make movies like that now.
Caring for a small human is not at all what I pictured. I imagined myself, four (4) months down the track, getting restless, having business ideas, needing/wanting to work, leaving the baby with babysitters so that I could GSD. As part of that, I guess I imagined that I would be seeing a good variety of people each week. Social needs met, status (as in: feeling like I’m worth something) needs met, self-challenge needs met.
Instead, I find I want to spend a lot of time with this little fellow who finds nearly everything on the planet exquisitely amusing. And I find that my life is very lonely as a result. My olden-days friends are working, studying, or live far away (too far to easily or frequently visit). I have a mums group, but we meet once a week and that feels like the right amount.
So, for example, we spent the weekend at James’s family’s farm in the country. Then we returned home, and by halfway through Monday — in the same house, the same rooms, with the same things — the small human was getting frustrated and I was going nuts. Sure, go for a walk. Then he’s cooped up in a stroller and gets frustrated he can’t explore. Sure, go to the shopping centre and let him loose in a playground. How many times can you do that? Go to the library and have a play there. Join baby gym classes and baby swimming classes and baby music classes. It just doesn’t… it’s not the same as seeing friends and having adult conversations. Or seeing work colleagues and working on projects together. I’m not sure what’ll happen next, but now we’re at the nine (9) month mark and I want to be the primary carer, but I’m also finding it’s an insanely lonely job. Hmm.